Judgement.

I'm going to begin this post with one, and only one scribble that I worked on last stream. It's of Hanneskun's OC Claudine, whom I love and want to see more comics about!

Bonus megane enby from another earlier stream that I never got around to posting.

And if you're just here for my scribbles, this is where you can stop reading.

This is going to be a bit of a long post, and for that, I'm sorry. These thoughts are not well-organized, and more just a means of me putting thoughts down to paper. They are not written to anybody in particular, and as such require no audience.

I just need to clear my head a bit. This blog has traditionally been a place where I felt comfortable posting and even sharing my thoughts in the past. There are two topics I want to cover, and neither is particularly interesting but writing this down will help ease my mind to some extent.

I don't like attention. It seems like such a stupid thing to say when I use social media such as twitter, but what I mean specifically is that I don't want attention as a person.

I get great joy reading messages from people who let me know they enjoy the drawings I've made, and how much it means to them. It's a huge (probably the largest) component in what encourages me to continue drawing. I get a bit uncomfortable when the praise falls onto me, the artist. In many ways I do not feel I deserve it, people don't know me, and I don't feel like I am a good enough person to recieve such kind words.

I have spoken about it in private with only one person before, a stream viewer who reached out to contact me personally (I'm not going to mention your name out of respect for your privacy).

Both my stream and this blog act as a sort of "release" for me, in the sense that I can draw, talk to people and share my thoughts. Somewhere along the line I realized I had become more reclusive of a person, afraid to really open up to anyone, and thus unable to really form any meaningful connection. This is largely due to me holding a very low opinion of myself, I don't want people to know or think about me. If I can produce art that people enjoy or find meaningful to them, that is enough for me.

When I feel I'm getting too much attention I tend to become quite stressed out, as if people are judging me. This is despite the fact that every interaction I've had with people has been nothing but positive. The irony is that every single person who has DM'd me or sent me a message has been incredibly warm and supportive, but it only makes me feel like I don't deserve that kindness.

This blog has always been important to me because I always felt like at most there were 5 people reading it, one of them being myself. It helped ease the pressure of posting, because even if I uploaded some terrible scribble, it was a scribble I made and I was happy to post it in my journal. It always felt like, if you were reading my blog you were here because you knew me as a person, someone more than just the artist who shared stuff on pixiv, or twitter.

Being able to talk and interact with people on stream is something I don't think I'll ever be able to describe properly. It's an incredibly precious thing to me. All the silly conversations people had, xeni sneaking bananas into pictures, naemi's beautiful and haunting poetry, and the overwhelming support I've been blessed enough to receive. Those moments are like precious gems to me, and it's also why I stopped recording my VODs. I enjoyed being able to experience that moment as exactly that, a moment. Nothing to look back on, because looking back would mean looking at myself, and I really hate to do that.

I want to reiterate, I am grateful beyond words for the kindness I have been shown, but as much as possible I do not wish for people to think about me. I am so uncomfortable with who I am as a person, and every day I am working on trying to be in a better place. I am not there yet, and I'm sorry for sounding so ungrateful. I just really don't feel comfortable with people praising me, I really don't deserve it. I'm happy if we can be happy together, and hopefully in the future I'll be in a better place where I'm more confident in myself.

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So my second topic is one that has been personally deeply upsetting. I know I'm acting emotionally, but I don't have any friends I can talk to about this. Ultimately, this blog feels like the most comfortable place to vent my thoughts.

In my loneliness, I searched for a new discord to join and maybe meet some people to get along with. Initially I looked towards Animal Crossing-related servers because I am super excited for New Horizons releasing next year. Unfortunately I found that the smaller, cosy servers I joined were filled with 14-20 year olds, and while I feel there is nothing wrong with that, I felt a bit out of place, like I would be intruding on their space by being so much older. So I left.

I think ultimately I am just looking for people to connect with. Loneliness is a terrible thing, I don't think humans were ever meant to be alone.

I joined a few scanlation discords (for manga that I enjoyed reading) but since there was no centralized topic it felt difficult even just chatting normally.

I ended up looking into a few trans discord servers, but unfortunately most seemed to be largely fetishizing trans people in with crossdressers and femboys. Luckily, found one that looked like it might not only be welcoming, but even a good fit. A server made by an artist who also drew an anime-styled openly trans character! And not just any trans character, but probably the most iconic one for the trans community, long before I had drawn my characters. I was excited about perhaps getting to talk with the artist and just ask the questions I had about drawing positive trans representation within the anime medium.

From here on out I won't name servers or people, because I feel it is in bad taste to speak ill of people publically.

When I joined, I searched "paxiti" out of curiosity because I was interested in seeing if my art had ever actually directly reached the communities I created them for.

I really, really wish that I hadn't searched it, and if there was one regret I had in all of this, it's that I searched my own handle. I wish I hadn't read what the artist who was the very reason I picked the server to join was saying about me publically.

I can handle people who hate lgbt+ content sending me their awful messages. I've read enough messages saying that if they ever met me in person they would kill me, or that I should die. I've seen my images edited with nazi imagery, or altered in other ways. I have been on the internet long enough for this to not matter to me.

But what really sucks, and what really hurts, is when people who I really respect can say such negative things of me. It's not that they dislike me that bothers me, because I feel everybody is free to their opinion. You don't have to like me, I know I'm not a person who should be looked up to to begin with. It's the fact you hate me for reasons that are not true.

I have censored names, but left the conversation in-tact. The gaps in the screenshots are when other people were talking about unrelated topics.

I would just like to interject here to mention I have never once said the character is not trans.

This particular comment hurt to read, but I can understand it. I have drawn things in the past which do not bode well for what the artist's personal beliefs could be, the biggest being the "trapped" 4koma that I made back in September of 2017. With that said, I do not personally know Astolfo's gender, as it has never been explicity mentioned in the cannonical works. While I understand this could largely be due to the creator's lack of understanding with trans issues, I also believe there remains the option that Astolfo is Non-Binary, or even just a Gender-non-conforming male. There is no problem with any of those options. No matter what Astolfo is, I don't think that is for me to decide. If other people want to Headcanon astolfo as a trans woman, that's fine too. Trans representation within anime is so limited, so it makes complete sense for people to see it in characters where all the signs are visible, despite it not being explicitly mentioned.

The one regret I have with that 4koma is my usage of the term "trapped" for the title. Regardless, I have left it up all this time because I think it's important not to pretend like it didn't happen. To the me who drew that 4koma at the time, that term was the most commonly accepted term to refer to otokonoko characters, at least within the wider anime community, which was where I was coming from. This is not an excuse, but rather an explaination. I fully accept anyone being upset at me for making it, I was wrong and if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't have done it. Reading more into it, and learning how harmful it was to trans people was enough of a reason for me to stop using the term. I believe people can change, and maybe it's not enough for you, but I am trying to be a better person.

Again, I really dislike how something that I never even said is being used as a sword against me. I have not once said the trans flag does not represent trans people. Where are you getting this from? Why are you so okay with attacking someone when your information isn't even in the realms of being correct?

To add a bit to this point, why is it that you feel people/characters who are not openly trans are not allowed to express affection for the trans community? I mean, in this case the character is clearly trans, but what of those who are still not out yet? Are these people not allowed to wear the colours? Is it only after you have declared to the world "I AM TRANS" that you be allowed to wear the trans pride colours?

The quote here seems to be strongly mis-remembered. Here is the actual quote, for reference (from this post):

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I was not "disappointed and disgusted" with the trans community. I was hurt, because in some of the comments I read I saw how other people were hurt by the belief that it had been written by an author who considered the characters crossdressers, which was false. But it still hurt to see something I made cause such distress to the very people I had wanted to properly represent.

And, since the intent behind said message was so wildly mis-interpreted, I feel the need to clarify and re-iterate said statement. To me, people within the trans community, having exeperienced and endured so much ridicule and hate from people deciding what they could and couldn't be, had a much more heightened sense of when such a thing occurs in general.

I really began to doubt my approach when I read some comments within the trans community that were discussing how disgusting it was that the author called the characters crossdressers (which was not true, but because the story had been labeled on other sites as such, and shared around with messages attached) or felt like because I didn't explicitly mention their gender right on page 1 (which again, I did but only one person actually picked up on it) that it was bad. I feel it has become incredibly difficult for me to draw characters who divert anywhere else without having to make sure I include a giant, flashing sign to let people know said character is trans (which you can see reflected in a character design who literally has the colours for her hair).

I understand that twitter is not always the best place for nuance, and I am even proud of of the characters I designed with the colours in their hair. But what I wished people would understand was that that comic was written with an audience of people who ARE NOT familiar with trans issues in mind, and my intent was to try and write it in a way where by the end perhaps they would have an idea of what it was like to be trans, even if only in a small way. Lessons are best learnt when the person is allowed to have that moment of realization themselves, at least this is my belief. It does not mean they can't be educted, but for me, a lot of the times education means more than just telling them the answer. Helping people to understand how one arrives at something is equally as important as knowing what the destination is.

I can understand this disagreement. I have had very long conversations in the past with some friends about my decision to not specify certain things. I have recieved many comments asking the gender/pronouns of my characters, and even more asking me personally what I am. I will not answer this, and nobody will make me answer this until I am comfortable doing so.

What is it that you want from me? I am not you. I am certainly not as confident, or even strong as you are. There are things I can do, and am actively trying to do. I would like my art to bring happiness to those who choose to view it. I am trying to make sure that my images have positive trans representation, because I have seen first-hand just how important it has been for some people. I am working on being a stronger person. Why is it okay for you to fault me for not being at your level? You own a server with over a thousand people in it, many of whom are your fans. I don't have that connection, and believe it or not, I am not that well connected in terms of my links with the trans community.

I am lucky to have a small number of incredibly warm and kind trans viewers who on occassion tune into my stream, and I greatly enjoy my conversations with them. I am trying to reach out to some trans artists I really admire (like hanneskun) online so I can learn from them, this is also the very reason I joined your server. I want to break out of my shell and meet people, to better understand things and have a wider perspective.

But I don't see why you think that I have this aura around me because I am a "popular artist". I don't feel like one, all the artists I used to know are much more popular than me. Even most of the Japanese artists I know are far more popular. Who gets to decide this? Am I supposed to tell people what to think, and use my numbers to enforce the idea that my message is correct? I do not feel confident that I have all the answers, and I never want to tell people what they should think.

I really, REALLY don't understand why you are like this. I have not once claimed to speak for the trans community, or to guide or lead them. I am in debt to said community, because they've helped me understand things about myself, and others. I am fortunate that every trans person who I have met has been nothing short of an amazing person, filled with kindness and warmth. You are also a part of that community, yet you are projecting this false idea of who I am, and then judging me for that same false idea. Why is it okay for you to tear me down when you don't even know me at all?

I never met you, or spoke with you at all before. Yet I had a great amount of respect as you had produced things that I've seen help people who are going through incredibly difficult moments in their life. I don't know everything there is to know about you, what you've done or where you've been. But I know you're doing good things now, and that's enough for me. You don't know me either, you've never once spoken with me. You don't need to respect me, but why do you feel the need to speak so ill of me? I am sorry if my art is not up to par with your expectations, I am working as hard as I can to always try and be better. Why can't you allow me that, without saying something so negative?

I read in one of your other comments you passed off your condemnations as simply "critique", and while I am no stranger to criticisms, do you not realize you are criticising me on things that I have never claimed, or said? I know my art isn't perfect, and not all the ideas I've drawn are funny or respectful enough. I have a long way to go, this I know. But is there not a better way to go about this, rather than slander?

There are many things I still don't know, and I am doing the best I can to try and draw in a way that is non-judgmental, and hopefully kind. And on the topic of judgment, I want to lastly address your concern with my balloon comic.

The ballooon comic was in-fact based almost word-for-word on a conversation I had with one of my closest friends. I am VERY careful with the dialogue of any comic I am writing, and the choice of words is very specifically intentional.

There is a reason the character says "but". There is a reason I did not write it as "I support you and you'll always be ██████ to me." The message of the comic is not "discard people if they don't immediately understand you." the message is "Don't be afraid to let go of people in your life who are never going to truly support you."

Whether you actually want to let them go or not is up to you. But you should not feel like you owe it to somebody to put up with their behaviour just because you are concerned about inconveniencing them.

While I agree that it is largely a beneficial thing for trans people to be patient and help others understand their feelings, I would like to disagree with you on one thing you mentioned. People who are trans are under no obligation to endure mistreatment and misgendering while still being required to politely and patiently educate the very people who are hurting them. It is a courtesy, one that many trans people will extend to those who are close with them. It is not something that should be expected, or demanded. The burden of trans acceptence does not lie solely with the trans community.

I am not surrounded by as trans-knowledgeable people as perhaps you are. Some friends I have known for years still struggle to understand things that most trans people would consider rudimentary. Despite this, I have persisted in trying to open a discourse with them, and perhaps get them to understand that while they may never know what it feels like, the least they could do is not judge people poorly for something that already brings them so much suffering. I have caught flak for this in my own, private circle of friends. Some of the trans-related things I have drawn make them uncomfortable, or make jokes about me for. It is incredibly demoralizing, and a huge reason why some of the positive comments I have recieved online are so important and precious to me.

If you ever do read this, the artist who wrote most of the complaints, I want you to know that I really think you did a good thing in creating the character you did, and fostering the community you have. It was a huge reason I wanted to join and participate, in the hopes of meeting people like yourself who I felt on some level I had a connection to, both being artists who drew anime-styled trans characters. I know now you do not share this sentiment, and that's okay too. If I'm being completely honest, it really hurts, but I accept that I am not on your level in terms of trans awareness.

Ultimately I wanted to make art that could bring some happiness to the people who read them. I know that won't always be possible, but I really was trying my best. I feel as though I am drowning under the weight of people's expectations. No artwork is perfect, but it feels like even when I really do try my best in creating art that people in the trans community can enjoy, there will always be other people in the same community who misinterpret it as derogatory, or do not believe I am doing enough.

I am not strong enough for this. I really can't take it. I have tried, I really did try. I know that might not be enough for you, but I can't handle much more. There are so many stories I wanted to tell, and things I wanted to write, but ultimately I do not feel confident, or capable enough to accomplish them. I'm sorry.

*casts revive on blog*

Backlog of scribbles that will never be finished...

Bonus scribble of one of the characters from the short comic strip, I like her design quite a bit actually.

Also, this is what happens when you ask your chat to collectively design a character, and then try to assign the colours for said character. Possibly the most repulsive thing I've drawn to date, somehow managing to be even worse than the first time I did this with chat. You know, as difficult as this may be to believe, the drawing actually looked halfway decent until we reached the skirt/tights colour, and then it just took a nosedive. Naemi linked this image of the end result along with some chat, and I think it basically sums up the experience...

Overall though, it's a really fun experience to make a drawing with the chat voting on design/colours. Possibly one of the most enjoyable things for me to do on stream, so I fully intend on doing another (3rd) one in the future. Just please, please let's aim to be better than the 2nd. Surely it cannot get much worse than this.

I think I'll try include a song I've been listening to with each post, might make it easier to post more frequently. Anyway, here's a song I only found recently but I've really enjoyed it, and after checking out the album I really like their sound:

Lastly, but most importantly, a stream viewer drew two of my characters awhile ago but I never got around to showing it off since I hadn't posted in so long. But I really love the picture and wanted to share it here. I can't describe how happy it makes me to recieve the kind messages and lovely fanart I've gotten, and saying "thank you" almost feels ungrateful because it doesn't quite capture how much it means to me. I really do appreciate every bit of support, no matter how small. So thanks everyone, and thank you Edeni for this drawing, I never really expected to have fanart of characters I drew, and I really take it as one of the highest forms of flattery. Thanks!

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My computer experienced a complete hard drive failure today. Luckily I had backed up the comic on drive, but I basically lost all my images, music, and old projects. Please remember to back up your files!

@Kevin Sorry for the belated response. I just manually draw the lines, but perhaps there is a better way.

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Working...

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Working...

It's been so long since I first drew this comic that it's taken some adjusting to draw more similarly to how I did back then hahah. I've actually just ended up re-drawing a lot of frames because I wanted to do them better, but now I'm just re-drawing entire pages. It's a bit silly, I suppose, since I'm only really finishing it for my own sake at this point. But it's quite an enjoyable thing to work with no external pressure.

I really want to finish it soon so I can begin working on another story I've been writing over the past couple of weeks. I think this experience of struggling with finishing this short story has made me hyper aware of what pitfalls I tend to fall into when creating something, and hopefully my next attempt will go more smoothly. Every comic is a learning process, I suppose.

@xeni Hahah, I miss chatting with everyone too. I want to begin streaming again, maybe this weekend coming up. It probably is a good idea to go outside and do stuff regardless though, good for your health! Also, interesting theory ;)

Also, just a song I've been listening to recently:

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Working...

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Working...

Also, just on a random side-note, I've only recently noticed that I don't see a lot of messages on twitter. I initially actually thought it was because I don't often check my notifications, so older messages just fall off to the wayside. But upon further inspection it seems like there are messages that straight up don't make it into my notification feed. I suppose it shouldn't really matter, but I did check and notice some people actually asked me a question and I didn't even notice until later. I don't want people to feel like they're being ignored, but I'm not sure if there's a way to handle this. Ultimately, I guess that with how infrequently I use twitter I'll inevitably end up missing a lot of messages regardless...

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Scribble.

@Naemi Oh hahah I did read about that Lily image stirring up some controversy, there was some tweet showing it appearing in the british parliament I remember.

I try and stay out of most things and just keep to myself, but I do feel as more time passes sitting on the side doesn't quite sit right with me. Eventually you'll reach a point where you need to make a choice, or else your lack of action will end up enabling people to do harm. I'm still not quite sure where the line is, but I figure so long as I continue to try and be a kinder, more understanding person I'll figure it out eventually.

As for your internship, it's probably a good thing it's not at a AAA developer! There are a lot of notoriously exploitative studios out there, and seeing what it's like in a smaller development studio will help you understand how each role relates to others. I wish you the best in your journey, I'm sure you'll do well!

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Back to one... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@SunCat I have written a few drafts that I considered posting on the blog before, but eventually I begin overthinking it all and not posting them hahah... I think maybe I'd be better off just writing off the top of my head, even if it meant the thoughts were less concise. Maybe just post random thoughts and organize it later down the line, who knows, it might work out better.

I hope you have managed to find that creative outlet, but even if you haven't I think the things stopping you happen to all of us. I suppose that doesn't seem too encouraging but I find it helps for me personally to know that my experiences arent something that's unique to me alone.

I'll check out that manga you recommended, especially given how much I enjoyed the last one! It's always nice to read about a topic you're more knowledgable in, helps give you a better appreciation for it.

@Flo I now feel bad for not keeping up the daily posting right after you complimented me on it. RIP.

@Naemi Hoi hoi Naemi, I'm a bit mentally drained by other than that I'm doing well, thanks!

In a lot of ways drawing is sorta stress relief to me, so I don't mind drawing often. If i'm drawing a lot that's typically a good sign hahaha. With that said, I agree that it's important to step back and take a break every so often, burn out is real.

I'm surprised to hear you got suspended for saying that. I wasn't aware twitter took a stance on such things. Is being suspended the same as being banned, or is there a duration it lasts for? I'm sort of curious now what twitter's guidelines are for suspension.

Congrats on the internship! That's really exciting news, I'm super happy for you. It's good to hear that you're enjoying it despite how busy it must be, that's a great sign you're in the right field.

Anyway, thanks for the message, it's always nice to read some good news from people I know! Keep up the good work and stay busy! I hope to see your name in the credits of a game someday, hahah!

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No drawing today sorry. Will resume regularly scheduled programming tomorrow, but I have to keep this chain alive. At least make it to double digits PLEASE.

@SunCat I feel you on the waiting for updates... it's the reason I often just read manga in cycles rather than chapter by chapter. I'll end up forgetting for a few months then reading it from the beginning again when I pick it back up.

Yuka is a great character, but what surprised me was the fact the main character was so enjoyable to follow. Just watching his determination and progress was something I really appreciated. The story and characters feel so authentically written. There's a lot of parts I wanted to write about but I ended up just recommending it to some friends and gushing to them instead.

A part that really resonated with me personally was when Yaguchi mentioned how scary it was to admit what you liked. I think art can be an incredibly honest take on your view of the world, and because it's so personal it can also feel like you're exposing your thoughts for other people to tear apart.

It's something I think about a lot, I want to be truthful but I'm also scared that people will reject the things you hold dear. A big part of what makes (in my mind) a great artist is having some belief you're willing to express, and the confidence to do so. I still feel in many ways I'm too timid, or concerned with what people may think to be truly honest, but maybe someday I'll get there. There's so much I want to write about my thoughts on the manga, but I don't have the time tonight for it. I do really want to thank you for suggesting it to me though, it's been on my mind a lot since reading it.

@edeni Yeah I considered it, but I just didn't feel like it suited my idea for the stream. I didn't really want to stifle the viewer experience by putting the canvas on a curved display in 3D space. Just something more low key to keep in the corner and watch is enough for me. With that said, all you really need is a 3d model and you can import it into VDraw, the tool will do the rest.

@Kevinfu pls no bully oikawa.

Also here's my song for the day. I was listening to a lot of classic piano pieces while reading Blue Period.