Time between posts has managed to exceed a year now lmao.

Gotta hand it to myself, I've managed to achieve a level of hermit-like behavior that is astounding for someone who calls themselves an artist. Despite that, I've still been drawing, although I would say less so in public these days.


There's a pressure that exists when I post on twitter. Part of it is due to the audience size, and the fear of letting people down. But I would say another thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how much of a toll creating work close to your heart can have.  When I first set out to draw things so personal to myself, the greatest fear I had was relentlessly bigoted people whom would no doubt take issue with the content being presented. And while I have received my fair share of insults and death threats over the past few years, even until now, it is something I have come to accept and become used to. I imagine any queer creator faces similar types of hateful comments during the course of their publications.


However, what takes up most mental weight in my mind these days is not from those outside the queer community whom despise us, but those inside the trans community itself. Obviously not all, I'd argue not even a majority. But I think for me, it's the comments from trans people themselves that affect me most deeply, as this is the very community I am trying to do right by. I would concede that my work, like any, is open to critique and criticism. There are many things I need to work on improving, and I strive to do so. This is not a complaint about anybody not enjoying my work, if anything I feel flattered that anyone other than myself can find something to appreciate in what I create.


What this is, is a call-out of a specific type of criticism I receive from certain individuals in the trans community. The type that is made in bad-faith, with no actual knowledge or understanding, and yet made in absolute, unwavering confidence. Now, I would say, on average, for every 200 positive/neutral comments I've received, there would be only 1 scathing, negative comment. Honestly speaking, that should be a good enough ratio and I should be happy with that. I wish I could be. It's not any sense of "perfectionism" or "needing everyone to like my work". It's more a feeling of trying to understand in what manner I have displeased an individual. I don't ever want to think the work I make is without flaw. Which makes negative comments so important to me, as I want to understand where I have failed them. I don't want to assume that every negative comment is simply a "hater" or someone who "doesn't get it".


But I will say, it is unbelievably tiring when comics and art based on very personal experiences of mine get ripped apart by white, transfem individuals who feel affronted by the fact my art does not speak for every experience, while making the claim that it was the intended purpose to begin with. I am aware that some people might inquire why I specified white transfems in particular, given that seems to make up a large part of my audience. I will say that every single wild claim or criticism, every profoundly negative interaction I have had was with a white transfem member of this community. I've had white, transfem artists I looked up to lie and slander me in public forums, white transfem "friends" engage in sexual assault and manipulation, a white transfem literally call me a "chaser" and "violent transmysogynist" for drawing trans characters before publicly coming out for their approval, white transfem friends turn a blind eye to rampant racist and problematic behavior on the communities they were quite literally in charge of. Obviously that does not mean every white transfem individual is the problem, but there has been enough harmful experiences for me to be wary when engaging with them. There is a certain level of expectation some seem to have, that unless experiences include or cater towards them, they are problematic. I do indeed understand that many of the illustrations I produce do not represent the entire spectrum of human, or even trans experiences. That is not, nor ever has been the goal.


It is completely fine for people to have their own interpretation of any of my works, that is one of the wonderful things about artistic creations! But I would beg those who interpret my works to please, please understand that while their interpretation is valid, it does not get to mute my own words or intentions. Whether my work has succeeded or failed in delivering those intentions is one thing. But making claims that "this is what pas said" or "this is what paxiti truly meant" is unbelievably exhausting. I want to try and believe and see the best in anyone coming to criticize me, but it's so tiring to know that those same individuals will never offer the same in return. That they will always seek to see the worst in you, no matter what your past efforts have indicated.


It is exhausting to create work on such a personal level when, even as you are creating it, you do so knowing some people are going to wildly misinterpret your art, then go on to place their misinterpretation as your words and criticize you for something they made up for you to say. Unlike the average transphobic bigot, I do not wish to merely brush off or dismiss criticisms of those within the trans community because I do not feel I am above it, and wish to view their words with the best intentions. But please understand, everytime someone does make up fictional talking points to criticize, it takes a toll on me. Despite the impression some might have of me given my rather hands-off and low-profile behavior online, I am just one, regular, insignificant person trying to do their best. I understand I will not always live up to your expectations, but please understand the weight of your words, because I do my best to read and take it in. And when you attack me for something I did not even say, for something you yourself made up, it leaves me in a position where it is impossible for me to defend myself. There have been times when I truly wished to respond, but even in those times, I always need to remind myself that given my audience size, I do not wish to carelessly retort and accidentally set my followers onto any given person. I am not asking for special treatment, I am merely pleading that you treat me with the same courtesy you would offer anyone if you met them. Please do not speak for me. I know I do not engage much online, but that is not an invitation to place words in my mouth. Please let me speak for myself.


I've been taking a lot of time to try and work on myself as a person. In that regard I feel I've grown a lot, in both my personal life and as an individual. I'm a stronger, more capable person since the last post on this blog. I hope I can become stronger still in the years to come.


Anyway, I figured if twitter is too much pressure, I'd just return to posting unfinished doodles onto my trusty ol' blog.


These were some characters for a stupid 4-page comic I was gonna draw hahah. Not exactly the most subtle designs but they were fun to draw!

I was rewatching Mai-HiME, the ED song is so nice...

I was playing some Type Lumina when it released, I miss Akiha Vermillion though~

I got really obsessed with Twice - The Feels, and ended up drawing this a day later expecting to finish it and post it as the first drawing on my Patreon since I wanted something fitting, but then I got overwhelmed with the self-inflicted pressure or making it "good enough". I honestly have no idea why I have a patreon anymore because I haven't actually used it or delivered anything... I keep wanting to be active on it and actually upload something... but here I am not doing that. The guilt is crushing meeeee

Cal has been watching this Taiwanese Vtuber lately and I ended up getting pulled into it too. I ended up scribbling her because she's pretty cool.

Also my latest obsession is with that "Jellyfish hairstyle" I've been seeing around, I like it very much~

And that about wraps it up! There's a lot more I could go on about, but honestly, as much as I enjoy talking to people, I'd consider myself a fairly private person online. To me, one of the coolest things about being an artist was that you get to disappear into the background and let your work stand out instead of yourself. I don't think I was ever ready for the amount of recognition I'd receive for my art, and as grateful as I am for comments letting me know much much it's meant to individuals, I personally prefer to remain relatively unnoticed. I truly love that some people love my work, but always remember, I am not my work, so please don't feel intimidated if we converse, or look up to me too greatly. I always get the impression that people feel as though because of how high the "numbers" are, that a person will be changed by that. I suppose it can be true in many cases, but my life has personally remained relatively unchanged from even when I was a beginner artist. I keep my DMs closed, I don't really engage in the social media game, no sponsor deals or anything of the sort. I suppose I'm not hungry enough for that kind of success, but at the same time, I'm still drawing what I want to see, so I'd consider that success enough for me!


Lastly, I'll say, 2022 was a pretty pivotal year for my life on a personal level. I've made new friends, and cemented friendships with people I've known from years prior. This might seem a bit out of left field, but if you are reading this, please remember to stand up for the people in your life who depend upon you. It's something I always keep in the back of my mind, to believe in my friends and stand with them if they face hardship. While it doesn't directly involve me, I've seen people in my life whom failed to trust the friends they so claimed to admire. Those who would turn a blind eye to unscrupulous people who would seek to harm, either directly or indirectly, people for whom they understand little. I think the me of 2019 would have tried to avoid any great disaster, afraid to "rock the boat", worried I'd come off as rude, even to those who would seek to disrupt or hurt others. Trying to keep everyone's feelings in mind lest I upset anyone. I am no longer a person who is willing to try and placate everyone. I feel, in that regard, I have grown the most as a person. I don't expect anyone to actually still check this dusty blog after such a long hiatus. Perhaps that's why I'm writing all this, because as much as I want to get this out there, the idea that anybody will read it still intimidates me.


This ended up being a longer ramble than I anticipated, but I'm glad I managed to write it down somewhere. I think the me of 2021 would be proud of the 2022 Pas. And hey, to the Pas of 2023 whom I know will be re-reading this post in future, I'm glad you're still here. I hope you keep striving to be a better, kinder, and stronger individual.

As always, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read these ramblings. Stay safe out there, and take care!


First post of 2021, and it has certainly been awhile. So long in fact, that my last post included the birthday drawings I recieved.


So much has happened in the year between, with many of life's up and downs included in the package.


I'd been in quite a slump, both in art and life for the last several months. The pressure of drawing reached a point where I could no longer even enjoy drawing. I enjoyed drawing because it was fun, but a big part of what made it fun to me was seeing how happy it could make people. Unfortunately, as your art reaches a wider audience, there will be people whom either disagree, or disapprove of what you create. I endeavor to keep my ears and mind open to criticisms, but sometimes it feels that people will assume the worst no matter what.


Each story, despite being written from personal experiences, is seen as a blanket statement. The intent behind my comics is stripped from my hands, and others are freely able to insert whatever message they see fit in my work. I honestly do not mind people having their own interpretation of my art, and I even understand if one were to feel that the approach I took in writing it was questionable or up for criticism. The part that was really disheartening for me was reading comments that placed themselves in my position, speaking for me. Reading comments that would just make up a statement while claiming it came from me. I can comprehend people reading my work however they see fit, but I draw the line at making up words to put in my mouth.


To be clear, I very rarely speak about my own work publically. I prefer to let the work stand on its own, which obviously leaves it very open to interpretation. To me, that is something I wish to remain. If there are criticisms of the story, or how it was written, I will gladly accept them. But please, please do not put words in my mouth about my very own stories. Please do not speak for me.


I've worked very hard to get back to a point where I can find the fun in drawing once more, and I'm scared to lose that feeling ever again. I will make every effort to be a stronger artist, but I'm also afraid of being blind to my own shortcomings. Luckily, I am surrounded by friends whom see the value in calling out if they feel someone has misstepped. I have friends I can trust.


I have made so many good friends over the course of last year, and grown with the friends I've had since before. I'm truly grateful to be surrounded by a group of such loving, kind and supportive people.


In turn, I'd like to write a short message to each who wished me well, in the hopes that they too can understand just how much they mean to me.



Dear Tamsi,


I would not be here without you, without your art, and your lively, uplifting spirit. It's so odd for someone my age to admire someone who is so much younger, but above my admiration, I consider you one of my dearest friends. I've learnt so much from you, and if I am someday able to repay what you have given me in life, it would be the greatest honour for me to do so.



Dear Rippy,


Meeting you and Cal together meant so much for me, to have a group of friends close in proximity where we could share our stories of what we were going through, and support one another in our struggles. To hear each victory on your end gave me strength, and knowing I had such a kind, gentle person who had my back meant the world to me. Someday I hope you'll be able to see yourself as your friends see you, because you're a wonderful person who has brought so much good to my life.




Dear Sae,


There is so much I have to say, but also so many difficulties for me to say it. You are so genuinely kind and considerate, and have so many talents you've grown. You've always been supporting me, even if you do so quietly. I'm eternally grateful for your cheering from the distance, and I hope that someday we can talk about all our experiences with everything.



Dear Henpai,


Thank you for always being there and doing your best to interact with everyone, and for all the hilarious, random meme pics you create in my stream! You're growing so much as a person, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you be more comfortable as yourself, and more confident!



Dear Jum,


I do not know you as well as Luna and Cal do, but what I do know is so utterly impressive. For you to have been there for them so supportively, and look out for them in the way you have, I am so grateful that they have a friend such as yourself, and I'm happy that I too get to call you my friend.



Dear Luna,


What else is there left to say that I haven't said to you already in conversation. You're an amazing person, and so often I think back and am astounded at just how fortunate I was to meet you, and how many events needed to happen exactly as they did in order for us to become the friends we are today. Each step forward in your life is one I want to follow, I'm so incredibly grateful to be your friend, you are so truly important to me, and I look forward to seeing you grow into an even more incredible person in the future.



Dear Skye,


You arrived in my life just in time to save me from lifelong trauma that could have developed from incidents past, and gave me a friend to lean on and lift me up when I was unable to do so myself. I truly cannot express just how important meet you was, and I cherish the time we are able to spend together, be it through videos games or j-chillin~



Dear Azul,


Both you and Tamsi were the first two artists I formed a connection with that helped me so greatly in my journey to create the type of art and stories I had in my heart. Watching you grow alongside myself and Tamsi, and seeing the amazing progress you've made has reassured me that I'm in such great company. From playing games together, to helping each other with voice training, you've been a pillar in my life, and I can't wait for us to meet up properly soon ;)



Dear Tam,


Along with Tamsi, you were one of the very first people in this community I met and became friends with and I am so grateful y'all were the ones who really stuck true and were such kind, graceful and wise people. I still remember first seeing your photos from Japan, and watching your skirt go speeeen video thinking "I can't wait to be like her someday" hahaha. You were also there the first time I wanted to ask more about voice training, and just hearing how absolutely incredible you sound gave me so much confidence moving forward. Someday, I truly hope to be an artist worthy of drawing an album cover to a song you make. PLEASE TAM I'LL DO IT FOR FREE PLS AAAAAAAASFHJdbjhs THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING MY FRIEND.





And with that concluded, I'll post a bunch of scribbles made in the time since my last post which never made it to twitter~
















Unfinished scribbles during my slump~



















Birthday drawings~




Also some random other stuff since I so rarely comment on my life outside of art.


Random image because I was playing SC2 with Skye



I also started playing Minecraft for the very first time this year. I actually sorta dropped it after a few hours the first time, but not before leaving my mark.


My second time playing was a bit more organized, and thus Beanland was born~











Lastly, thank you for taking the time to read through this. I know that I'm a fairly private and reclusive person online, and I understand that it can be seen as "cold" or "uncaring", but the truth is more than I just really struggle to deal with attention of any sort. I am so truly grateful for all the company I find myself in, and all the support I've been blessed to recieve. I will endeavor to create the things close to my heart, and I hope that in doing so I can bring some light into the life of those who come across it.


Thank you, thank you all.




It's been awhile. I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted here, hahaha. Anyway, here's some unfinished scribbles that I never got around to posting~



Future emote?




New character from a 4koma I'll post soon! I've grown very attached to her hahahah.



Okay, enough of my drawings! Here's some artwork that some viewers have drawn for me~! 😊


A random blursed doodle by Remirii


A Pas dispenser by Oz


A bit of a joke from the stream, with the old UwU emote vs the new UwU emote by Henpai.


Fanart from after I killed Toriel in my first playthrough of Undertale by Oz


Bonus scribble they made in our Drawpile session together hahaha


The full Drawpile with Azul, Tamsi, Oz, Tam and myself


Art of Claudine (Hanneskun) and my character after we spent a good amount of time gushing over each other on stream by Henpai


An accurate depiction of what my stream has somehow become due to a few snipers, by Remirii


And lastly, although I'm not too public about it, my Birthday passed awhile back and I just wanted to share these wonderful drawing gifts I recieved.


My three OCs by Henpai


A drawing of me by Tamsi, I will treasure it forever tyvmilubro


Of course he couldn't even let my Birthday pass without calling me a boomer... What is life.


Lastly I just wanted to write my thoughts properly. I know I say it at the end of every stream, but honestly thank you all for sticking around, keeping me company and supporting me on this journey. I truly wouldn't have made it this far without you all, and I consider myself blessed to be surrounded by such a welcoming and friendly community.


I've actually spent the last 6 months adjusting to life after moving, but I've finally settled more permanently, in both living situation and meeting wonderful people that I get to spend my time with. There have been so many steps taken to get here, but I just wanted to thank you for being with me. Many of you probably have no idea how encouraging it was even just to have small conversations on stream where we can relax and joke together.


I've recieved so many private messages of support and encouragement. Please know that I do indeed read them all, and feel lucky that even after so long without making a post, there are still those out there who think to check in on me and see if things are okay. Things are okay, and I'm thankful for the time and empathy shown to make sure I'm doing well.


I have so many stories I want to tell, and things I want to draw. I'm finally at a point where I've taken care of what needs to be done, and feel like for the first time in my life I can move forward openly and honestly. I'm grateful to each and every one of you for helping me arrive at this point, thanks for making my life a better one.


Oh, actually one last thing. If anyone else is still playing Animal Crossing feel free to share your FC! I've been playing with a group of friends and it's been a lot of fun stalking the turnip market week after week, and ruining Skye's island everytime I visit. I thought I'd just leave you with my conversation with Dom, my favorite villager.



Bonus tweet, I love my stream viewers lmao


Some scribbles from stream. The gang, hopefully we can drawpile together this year!


Alex as a musician.


The cropped hoodie I got for Christmas~


Drawing something to replace the image of Phos I've had under my Twitch stream that links to my twitter.



Happy New Year

Hello again. It has been exactly 2 months since my last post. A lot has happened in that time, a lot has happened this year, if I'm being honest. There were a lot of things I wanted to include in this post, after having not made an entry for so long. But I realized that all the moments that have happened are things I can't properly express in words. So I will instead show it through my art, over the coming year.


My life changed a lot in 2019, and I suspect it will change even more in 2020. I look foward to these changes, and I hope I can be more comfortable as both a person and an artist. There is so much I want to share with the world, so many things I want to say and show. I hope I can express everything in my mind and heart this year.


Anyway, enough rambling, here's some unfinished scribbles.





Finally getting around to making some emotes for my stream. It really has been too long.


Test printing some stickers.


Some drawpile with friends~


I just wanted to share some art people drew for me I had been meaning to post here for ages, but for various reasons never got around to it.



By JellyMagpie <3


By Caym <3



By Spice <3


By Johan <3

Lastly I just wanted to write a personal message to anyone who still reads this blog. 2019 has been quite a year for me, with many ups and downs. I experienced lower lows than I've ever gone through in my life, but I also have found happiness beyond anything I've known before. I've gotten to meet many new people, and make some wonderful friends in the process. I so look foward to what 2020 will bring. For the first time in a long time, I am actually looking forward to living into the future. I have so many people to thank for my even still being here, but it's beyond what I can express. So thank you, the you who is reading this. Thank you so much for your messages of support and encouragement. Thank you for being here, and for keeping me company. I feel lucky to have met so many of you.


I wish you all a very lovely New Year, may your future be filled with hope and kindness. I hope to create art more openly and honestly in 2020, please continue to cheer for me.


With Love,


Pas <3

I want to die.

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 

I want to die. 


Why can't I be saved. Why do I even need to be saved. Why can't this just end painlessly.


I have tried, to the best of my ability, to make friends. And I have failed utterly. I have arrived at the end of my endurance as a human being. I am alone. And I am sorry.


I'm sorry I let you down, Pas. I'm sorry I couldn't find a better path forward. I'm sorry this had to hurt so much. You were right, Pas. You weren't strong enough after all.