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Time between posts has managed to exceed a year now lmao.

Gotta hand it to myself, I've managed to achieve a level of hermit-like behavior that is astounding for someone who calls themselves an artist. Despite that, I've still been drawing, although I would say less so in public these days.

There's a pressure that exists when I post on twitter. Part of it is due to the audience size, and the fear of letting people down. But I would say another thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how much of a toll creating work close to your heart can have.  When I first set out to draw things so personal to myself, the greatest fear I had was relentlessly bigoted people whom would no doubt take issue with the content being presented. And while I have received my fair share of insults and death threats over the past few years, even until now, it is something I have come to accept and become used to. I imagine any queer creator faces similar types of hateful comments during the course of their publications.

However, what takes up most mental weight in my mind these days is not from those outside the queer community whom despise us, but those inside the trans community itself. Obviously not all, I'd argue not even a majority. But I think for me, it's the comments from trans people themselves that affect me most deeply, as this is the very community I am trying to do right by. I would concede that my work, like any, is open to critique and criticism. There are many things I need to work on improving, and I strive to do so. This is not a complaint about anybody not enjoying my work, if anything I feel flattered that anyone other than myself can find something to appreciate in what I create.

What this is, is a call-out of a specific type of criticism I receive from certain individuals in the trans community. The type that is made in bad-faith, with no actual knowledge or understanding, and yet made in absolute, unwavering confidence. Now, I would say, on average, for every 200 positive/neutral comments I've received, there would be only 1 scathing, negative comment. Honestly speaking, that should be a good enough ratio and I should be happy with that. I wish I could be. It's not any sense of "perfectionism" or "needing everyone to like my work". It's more a feeling of trying to understand in what manner I have displeased an individual. I don't ever want to think the work I make is without flaw. Which makes negative comments so important to me, as I want to understand where I have failed them. I don't want to assume that every negative comment is simply a "hater" or someone who "doesn't get it".

But I will say, it is unbelievably tiring when comics and art based on very personal experiences of mine get ripped apart by white, transfem individuals who feel affronted by the fact my art does not speak for every experience, while making the claim that it was the intended purpose to begin with. I am aware that some people might inquire why I specified white transfems in particular, given that seems to make up a large part of my audience. I will say that every single wild claim or criticism, every profoundly negative interaction I have had was with a white transfem member of this community. I've had white, transfem artists I looked up to lie and slander me in public forums, white transfem "friends" engage in sexual assault and manipulation, a white transfem literally call me a "chaser" and "violent transmysogynist" for drawing trans characters before publicly coming out for their approval, white transfem friends turn a blind eye to rampant racist and problematic behavior on the communities they were quite literally in charge of. Obviously that does not mean every white transfem individual is the problem, but there has been enough harmful experiences for me to be wary when engaging with them. There is a certain level of expectation some seem to have, that unless experiences include or cater towards them, they are problematic. I do indeed understand that many of the illustrations I produce do not represent the entire spectrum of human, or even trans experiences. That is not, nor ever has been the goal.

It is completely fine for people to have their own interpretation of any of my works, that is one of the wonderful things about artistic creations! But I would beg those who interpret my works to please, please understand that while their interpretation is valid, it does not get to mute my own words or intentions. Whether my work has succeeded or failed in delivering those intentions is one thing. But making claims that "this is what pas said" or "this is what paxiti truly meant" is unbelievably exhausting. I want to try and believe and see the best in anyone coming to criticize me, but it's so tiring to know that those same individuals will never offer the same in return. That they will always seek to see the worst in you, no matter what your past efforts have indicated.

It is exhausting to create work on such a personal level when, even as you are creating it, you do so knowing some people are going to wildly misinterpret your art, then go on to place their misinterpretation as your words and criticize you for something they made up for you to say. Unlike the average transphobic bigot, I do not wish to merely brush off or dismiss criticisms of those within the trans community because I do not feel I am above it, and wish to view their words with the best intentions. But please understand, everytime someone does make up fictional talking points to criticize, it takes a toll on me. Despite the impression some might have of me given my rather hands-off and low-profile behavior online, I am just one, regular, insignificant person trying to do their best. I understand I will not always live up to your expectations, but please understand the weight of your words, because I do my best to read and take it in. And when you attack me for something I did not even say, for something you yourself made up, it leaves me in a position where it is impossible for me to defend myself. There have been times when I truly wished to respond, but even in those times, I always need to remind myself that given my audience size, I do not wish to carelessly retort and accidentally set my followers onto any given person. I am not asking for special treatment, I am merely pleading that you treat me with the same courtesy you would offer anyone if you met them. Please do not speak for me. I know I do not engage much online, but that is not an invitation to place words in my mouth. Please let me speak for myself.

I've been taking a lot of time to try and work on myself as a person. In that regard I feel I've grown a lot, in both my personal life and as an individual. I'm a stronger, more capable person since the last post on this blog. I hope I can become stronger still in the years to come.

Anyway, I figured if twitter is too much pressure, I'd just return to posting unfinished doodles onto my trusty ol' blog.

These were some characters for a stupid 4-page comic I was gonna draw hahah. Not exactly the most subtle designs but they were fun to draw!

I was rewatching Mai-HiME, the ED song is so nice...

I was playing some Type Lumina when it released, I miss Akiha Vermillion though~

I got really obsessed with Twice - The Feels, and ended up drawing this a day later expecting to finish it and post it as the first drawing on my Patreon since I wanted something fitting, but then I got overwhelmed with the self-inflicted pressure or making it "good enough". I honestly have no idea why I have a patreon anymore because I haven't actually used it or delivered anything... I keep wanting to be active on it and actually upload something... but here I am not doing that. The guilt is crushing meeeee

Cal has been watching this Taiwanese Vtuber lately and I ended up getting pulled into it too. I ended up scribbling her because she's pretty cool.

Also my latest obsession is with that "Jellyfish hairstyle" I've been seeing around, I like it very much~

And that about wraps it up! There's a lot more I could go on about, but honestly, as much as I enjoy talking to people, I'd consider myself a fairly private person online. To me, one of the coolest things about being an artist was that you get to disappear into the background and let your work stand out instead of yourself. I don't think I was ever ready for the amount of recognition I'd receive for my art, and as grateful as I am for comments letting me know much much it's meant to individuals, I personally prefer to remain relatively unnoticed. I truly love that some people love my work, but always remember, I am not my work, so please don't feel intimidated if we converse, or look up to me too greatly. I always get the impression that people feel as though because of how high the "numbers" are, that a person will be changed by that. I suppose it can be true in many cases, but my life has personally remained relatively unchanged from even when I was a beginner artist. I keep my DMs closed, I don't really engage in the social media game, no sponsor deals or anything of the sort. I suppose I'm not hungry enough for that kind of success, but at the same time, I'm still drawing what I want to see, so I'd consider that success enough for me!

Lastly, I'll say, 2022 was a pretty pivotal year for my life on a personal level. I've made new friends, and cemented friendships with people I've known from years prior. This might seem a bit out of left field, but if you are reading this, please remember to stand up for the people in your life who depend upon you. It's something I always keep in the back of my mind, to believe in my friends and stand with them if they face hardship. While it doesn't directly involve me, I've seen people in my life whom failed to trust the friends they so claimed to admire. Those who would turn a blind eye to unscrupulous people who would seek to harm, either directly or indirectly, people for whom they understand little. I think the me of 2019 would have tried to avoid any great disaster, afraid to "rock the boat", worried I'd come off as rude, even to those who would seek to disrupt or hurt others. Trying to keep everyone's feelings in mind lest I upset anyone. I am no longer a person who is willing to try and placate everyone. I feel, in that regard, I have grown the most as a person. I don't expect anyone to actually still check this dusty blog after such a long hiatus. Perhaps that's why I'm writing all this, because as much as I want to get this out there, the idea that anybody will read it still intimidates me.

This ended up being a longer ramble than I anticipated, but I'm glad I managed to write it down somewhere. I think the me of 2021 would be proud of the 2022 Pas. And hey, to the Pas of 2023 whom I know will be re-reading this post in future, I'm glad you're still here. I hope you keep striving to be a better, kinder, and stronger individual.

As always, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read these ramblings. Stay safe out there, and take care!